if im not constantly on this blog, i'll post on my tumblr. i've had it a while longer, and it's got more of my thoughts held within the lines of writing. :) i post on that one nearly every day. the link isnt too hard to figure out either...
"the wisdom is in the trees, not the glass windows..."
"to the world, you may be one person...to one person, you may be the world." <3
"success is not determined by what you achieve by reaching your goal, but by what you BECOME while trying to reach it."
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
next five years...
someone told me that if i cant see myself in five years succeeding on the path i'm currently on, then i need to change my path. the only thing ive been doing since yesterday is thinking about that. & surprisingly, i do see myself on the right path now. i feel VERY accomplished in that this wake up call of me moving out shocked my father out of his drinking habit. if he keeps to that, fine...if not, i can make my own decision on how i want to go about my next option. however, i will stand my ground next time. everyone deserves a second chance. this is my second chance to him - but it's the only one he will get. i didnt think, and still dont think that other path is right for me...at least not now. i dont have experience in that field, nor will i until after i've got my degree...proper experience...not just being thrown into it. okay, i wasnt THROWN into it...but i just dont think it's right, right now. but it was a wonderful opportunity. things could change tomorrow and i can then realize that i've royally screwed things up. i'm hoping that's not the way it works out, but it's plausible. [i owned up to that.] i like it at food lion right now. i think it's a pretty decent job for a college student, and i like the people there...now that i got that jackbutt fired. haha. but all that may change & i may not like it there anymore. hell...it could change tomorrow, but i'll figure that out once i come to that bridge. and i'll cross it with an open mind. i wont shut out the world because my sensitivity kicks in. and yes - i KNOW my sister is not the a good role model...she'll be outta here in a month anyway. at least i havent [and WONT] drop out of college. i'm still working towards my goal...that goal will never change. no matter what happens...ever. <3 love is my stronghold. my inspiration. i'll never let that go...despite any hard times, because they will pass...and i wont lose anyone in the process.
however, i will prove myself to others. i WILL prove that this is the right path. i will prove i made the right decisions. there's no "hopefully will prove." it doesnt work that way. there's no halfway mark in anything from now on down the journey of life. if this isnt right, i need to stand up, take charge MYSELF, and look towards my next path. granted yes, i did let a wonderful opportunity walk away. i owned up to it. and i've said it a thousand times now - i'm sincerely sorry for everything that happened. i'll never forget it, nor will i ever forgive myself for any of it either...but i will move on, keeping those times in my memory.
ive also learned that i need to get a friggin backbone, stand up for myself & not be so damn sensitive...tears dont solve anything. that's my worst downfall. b/c once the stupidity of sensitivity sets in, im bound to screw something up & hurt someone somehow.
ive learned that tough love is always right. it always works. and is the best method to go by...or at least it seems to be right now.
there's so MUCH i still have to learn. if i cant make the right decision on my own, and i'm lost, confused & dont know which way to turn, i need to get someone that's already HAD the experience to tell me what to do...to make that decision for me and set me on the right track. [which i should have done in the first place. if i knew then what i know now...*gahhh*] im still a kid...that's just about the only thing i've proved to anyone within the last month. :( but i'll redeem myself eventually. and i'm starting now. i'll pull up my grades in college & stop thinking so much about "drama." i'll never lose those around me that i care so deeply about. not even the words "i love you" truly describe how i feel about certain people. they know who they are. you dont have to be blood for me to consider you family.
that's the only thing that's held me together for the LONGEST time, is the love i have for those around me. i attach myself to people & "spaz out" if anything goes wrong. i've got to stop that. i HAVE to stop that. [not the attaching part...that's fine. i just need to not let my sensitivity get the better of me & cause me to hurt those i love. it always manages to backfire on me. always manages to get me stuck in the middle of everything & it's all down hill from there.]
i'll still attach myself to people, just learn to SHOW it a bit more subtle.
i'll ALWAYS love those that have been there for me through thick & thin.
i'm so thankful for all of them. always will be...
that's why i never want to lose ANYONE. not to a loss in friendship, not to a disease, not to a screw up on my part...nothing. no matter what happens, theres always a way to fix things, BECAUSE of those people around me. i'll find that way to fix things, and with the help and guidance of my friends & family...everything will be okay.
i'm so thankful to still have someone that means a lot to me by my side. i'd be lost if this person werent there. i was lost when i spazzed. God puts everyone in people's lives for a reason. i know she's here to help guide me on the right path...& through my experiences as well, we'll find the right path for me together. i never want to lose this person. she's assured me i will never lose her. but like i said, up until now...all i've proved to her is that i'm still a kid. i hate that. i fucking hate that SO much. anger and discontent have dwelled inside me since i heard that. i WILL prove myself to be an adult. i will prove that this is the right path.
however, i'm adult enough to own up to the fact that i let a wonderful opportunity slip through my hands. i'm adult enough to have apologized for everything that happened. i AM sincerely sorry. and i'll never forgive myself for it all. but i'm also adult enough to realize that i've hopefully changed someone's life in that they no longer have to drink in order to get through the day. i'm proud to say my father has been sober since i returned. he tells me every day that he's thankful things worked out this way. my sister's even proud and happy about everything.
but like i said...i've still got a lot to learn. this is one experience...onto the next i suppose...right?
and i'm also adult enough to own up to the fact that i need to go do finish my english homework. [gotta keep them grades up, right?]
Good night & God bless.
-Kellie [Cheryl-Lynn Marie]
****
words are like weapons, they wound sometimes...
[Cher - "If i could turn back time"]
forgive, sounds good. forget, i'm not sure i could. they say...time heals everything...but i'm still waiting.
[Dixie Chicks - "Not ready to make nice"]
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on.
[Miley Cyrus - "The Climb"]
however, i will prove myself to others. i WILL prove that this is the right path. i will prove i made the right decisions. there's no "hopefully will prove." it doesnt work that way. there's no halfway mark in anything from now on down the journey of life. if this isnt right, i need to stand up, take charge MYSELF, and look towards my next path. granted yes, i did let a wonderful opportunity walk away. i owned up to it. and i've said it a thousand times now - i'm sincerely sorry for everything that happened. i'll never forget it, nor will i ever forgive myself for any of it either...but i will move on, keeping those times in my memory.
ive also learned that i need to get a friggin backbone, stand up for myself & not be so damn sensitive...tears dont solve anything. that's my worst downfall. b/c once the stupidity of sensitivity sets in, im bound to screw something up & hurt someone somehow.
ive learned that tough love is always right. it always works. and is the best method to go by...or at least it seems to be right now.
there's so MUCH i still have to learn. if i cant make the right decision on my own, and i'm lost, confused & dont know which way to turn, i need to get someone that's already HAD the experience to tell me what to do...to make that decision for me and set me on the right track. [which i should have done in the first place. if i knew then what i know now...*gahhh*] im still a kid...that's just about the only thing i've proved to anyone within the last month. :( but i'll redeem myself eventually. and i'm starting now. i'll pull up my grades in college & stop thinking so much about "drama." i'll never lose those around me that i care so deeply about. not even the words "i love you" truly describe how i feel about certain people. they know who they are. you dont have to be blood for me to consider you family.
that's the only thing that's held me together for the LONGEST time, is the love i have for those around me. i attach myself to people & "spaz out" if anything goes wrong. i've got to stop that. i HAVE to stop that. [not the attaching part...that's fine. i just need to not let my sensitivity get the better of me & cause me to hurt those i love. it always manages to backfire on me. always manages to get me stuck in the middle of everything & it's all down hill from there.]
i'll still attach myself to people, just learn to SHOW it a bit more subtle.
i'll ALWAYS love those that have been there for me through thick & thin.
i'm so thankful for all of them. always will be...
that's why i never want to lose ANYONE. not to a loss in friendship, not to a disease, not to a screw up on my part...nothing. no matter what happens, theres always a way to fix things, BECAUSE of those people around me. i'll find that way to fix things, and with the help and guidance of my friends & family...everything will be okay.
i'm so thankful to still have someone that means a lot to me by my side. i'd be lost if this person werent there. i was lost when i spazzed. God puts everyone in people's lives for a reason. i know she's here to help guide me on the right path...& through my experiences as well, we'll find the right path for me together. i never want to lose this person. she's assured me i will never lose her. but like i said, up until now...all i've proved to her is that i'm still a kid. i hate that. i fucking hate that SO much. anger and discontent have dwelled inside me since i heard that. i WILL prove myself to be an adult. i will prove that this is the right path.
however, i'm adult enough to own up to the fact that i let a wonderful opportunity slip through my hands. i'm adult enough to have apologized for everything that happened. i AM sincerely sorry. and i'll never forgive myself for it all. but i'm also adult enough to realize that i've hopefully changed someone's life in that they no longer have to drink in order to get through the day. i'm proud to say my father has been sober since i returned. he tells me every day that he's thankful things worked out this way. my sister's even proud and happy about everything.
but like i said...i've still got a lot to learn. this is one experience...onto the next i suppose...right?
and i'm also adult enough to own up to the fact that i need to go do finish my english homework. [gotta keep them grades up, right?]
Good night & God bless.
-Kellie [Cheryl-Lynn Marie]
****
words are like weapons, they wound sometimes...
[Cher - "If i could turn back time"]
forgive, sounds good. forget, i'm not sure i could. they say...time heals everything...but i'm still waiting.
[Dixie Chicks - "Not ready to make nice"]
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on.
[Miley Cyrus - "The Climb"]
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